Advice to My Younger Self
Breathe. Although it may not feel like it now, your life is not over. I know you’re in pain. I know you feel angry, hurt, sad, confused, and even sick. You feel lost and afraid. You feel alone. But you, beautiful child of God, are not alone. It’s okay to feel angry and sad; those feelings are natural. In fact, they are essential in order for you to recover. You need to feel, and you need to share those emotions with a loving, trusted friend. You need support. Surround yourself with people you trust, find a support group, and don’t be afraid to share. Sharing your feelings will heal your aching heart. I know you’re struggling now. I know some days it’s hard to even catch your breath. Your life has been turned upside down because of someone else’s actions. You did not choose this. You don’t deserve this. But, in the end, you will be stronger for it. So acknowledge your pain, and then bring it to the Lord.
The Atonement is not only meant for those who have sinned. Get on your knees and pour your heart out to your loving Heavenly Father. The Lord does not want us to suffer. The Savior has already taken your burden upon Himself, so allow Him to heal your pains. Tell Him everything you are feeling, and then hand it over to Him. He’s just waiting for you. It’s astonishing how quickly the Lord will fill your life with peace. Then while you are on your knees, pray for your husband. Pray that you might have the courage and the strength to forgive him. Pray that he might be blessed with the Spirit to overcome this addiction. And especially pray that you might feel the same love for your husband that God feels for him. You will be amazed at how overwhelming that love feels. Only after you have handed your burdens over to the Savior will you start to truly heal.
Your husband has a very real addiction, but there is one important truth you need to know as you begin to recover as a couple. His pornography addiction has absolutely nothing to do with you. Take yourself out of the equation, because it will only drag you down. He has his own agency, and he has made some poor decisions. But just like you, he is a child of God. God loves him just the same as He loves you. God is rooting for him to succeed, as should you. He needs your love and support to get through this. But, in the end, it is his agency, not yours. Don’t suffer because of his sins. Your agency allows you to choose happiness. Choose to be happy despite these conflicts. And, as you both better yourselves and come unto the Lord, you will grow closer to each other and, in the end, find you are a stronger couple than you ever thought possible.
Your Older, Wiser Self