Aligning My Will with God's
I was about six months pregnant with our son when I first discovered that Chris had relapsed. I remember the moment so well—when I first realized that the love of my life, the man who had promised to protect and provide for our family, was a drug addict. It rocked me to the core.
I wanted to unread the text message he’d sent telling me he was willing to throw away the life we’d built together—everything we’d worked for—in search of pills. I felt empty and alone. I wanted so badly to erase it all, to just forget that it was happening; but as much as I wanted to ignore it, I couldn’t.
I did what a lot of people do when they first realize their loved ones are using: I rationalized. I thought of any and every reason for what he was doing. I looked inward and outward and everywhere for a quick solution. And then, when that didn’t work, I begged, cried, threatened, and pled for him to stop. But he didn’t. Things just got worse, and I was getting worried—more worried than I’d ever been—because our son’s due date was just around the corner.
During this time, I prayed a lot. There was nothing I wanted more than to bring that sweet little boy into our family. But I questioned that decision. I couldn’t bear to knowingly bring our son into such a dangerous environment. So, I did the only thing I could: I turned my life over to Heavenly Father. I aligned my will with His and came to know, without a doubt, that adoption would be the best thing for our son.
When I went into labor, I remember praying so hard that I would have the strength and conviction to follow through with the answers I had received about placing him for adoption. I am amazed at the level of peace I felt as I leaned on the Savior for support. It wasn’t until that day, when I held my son for the first time, that I realized what it means to be loved by our Heavenly Father. He doesn't love us for the choices we make; He simply loves us.
It’s been over two years since we placed our son for adoption. I think of the Savior and how much love He has for our son and how much love he has for me. It is only through Christ and His atoning sacrifice that I have been able to transform my life and find healing. There were days when I couldn’t get out of bed and times when I thought I’d never find relief from the pain that lingered. But our Savior supported me through it. With his help I’ve turned horrible wounds into love and acceptance. I’ve learned to forgive others and myself. And I’ve gained a new family through our son’s open adoption.
In taking control of my own life, I was able to help Chris as well. It has been a long process, and we’ve had our setbacks, but today he is 14 months sober and actively involved in the recovery community.
I’m so grateful for the Addiction Recovery Program meetings that allow me to be open with the struggles that have accompanied this trial in my life. The bonds that once tied me have been loosened, and I finally have peace. I know this peace and protection isn’t just for me; it's a gift from our Heavenly Father for anyone who is willing to receive it.
*Name has been changed.